For most of your life, she was the one asking the questions. Did you eat? Did you sleep? Are you all right? Now you are the one wondering. Mom has gone quiet. She has stopped going to church, or the garden is overgrown, or she says she does not see the point in cooking for one.
Maybe she lost her husband, her job or her health. Maybe nothing obvious happened at all. Depression can show up in a mother's life at any age, and it often hides behind the habit of putting everyone else first.
Turning the tables is an act of love
Many mothers find it hard to admit they are struggling, especially to their children. They may worry about being a burden or seeming weak. You may feel awkward stepping into the role of the one who asks. Do it anyway.
Pick a time when it is just the two of you. A car ride, a kitchen table or a slow walk can help. Begin with what you have noticed:
- Mom, you have not seemed like yourself lately. I have been worried.
- You always take care of everyone. I want to know how you are doing.
- You do not have to put on a brave face with me.
She may brush it off at first. Mothers are experts at changing the subject. Bring it back, kindly. Tell her you are asking because you love her.
Ask directly about suicide
If she talks about feeling empty, hopeless or like no one would miss her, ask the direct question: Mom, are you thinking about suicide? or Are you having thoughts of ending your life?
Those words can feel almost impossible to say to your own mother. But asking will not give her the idea. It tells her that you see her as a whole person, not just as the one who holds the family together, and that she can be honest with you.
If she says yes, take a breath and stay with her. You might say, I am so glad you told me. You matter so much to me. Let us get some help, together.
Listen the way she once listened to you
You may want to jump in with solutions, like moving her closer, signing her up for classes or reminding her of the grandchildren. Save those ideas for later. Right now, listening is the help.
- Let her speak without interrupting or correcting her.
- Ask gentle questions, like how long have you been feeling this way?
- Do not tell her she has no reason to feel sad.
- Be patient with tears, silence or old stories. They are part of it.
If she seems in immediate danger, stay with her and call 911 or 988. If you live far away and believe she is in danger, call 911 in her area, and stay on the phone with her while help is on the way.
If the danger is not immediate, help with one clear next step. Offer to sit with her while she calls or texts 988. Offer to call her doctor's office with her and schedule a visit. Many older adults trust their family doctor, and that can be a comfortable place to start. Offer to drive her and sit in the waiting room.
Some mothers worry about what others will think. Reassure her that talking to a doctor about her mood is as ordinary as talking about her blood pressure.
Stay near, and care for yourself
Keep calling. Keep visiting. Ask her to teach you a recipe, or to help you with a small project. Feeling needed in a gentle way can help a mother feel connected. Ask how her appointments are going, without turning every call into a check-up.
Bring in your siblings or other relatives if you can, so the care is shared. One adult child should not carry everything, especially if you are also raising children or working full time.
Notice your own feelings, too. It can be painful and frightening to see your mother this way. You may feel grief for the mom you remember, or guilt that you did not see it sooner. Those feelings are normal. Talk with a friend, your partner, your own doctor or a counselor. You can call or text 988 for guidance on helping her.
She spent years making sure you were all right. Asking her the same question now is not a reversal of roles. It is simply love, coming back around.
If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time. In an emergency, call 911.