For a lot of us, texting is how we stay close. It is how we share jokes, plan dinners and send pictures of the dog. So it makes sense that when someone we love seems to be struggling, a text is often the first place we notice, and the easiest place to reach out.

Maybe her replies have gotten shorter. Maybe she has stopped answering altogether. Maybe she sent a message late at night that said something like I am so tired of all of this, and you are not sure what she meant.

A text conversation is not a lesser kind of care. For some people, typing feels safer than talking face to face. It gives them time to find words. You can use that.

Keep your first message simple

You do not need a long, careful paragraph. Short and warm works best. Try something like:

  • Hey, I have been thinking about you. How are you really doing?
  • You have seemed down lately. I am here if you want to talk.
  • No pressure to reply fast. I just want you to know I care.

Avoid a flood of questions all at once. Send one message and give her room to answer. If she replies, keep the tone calm and steady.

Asking directly, even in writing

If she writes that she feels hopeless, trapped or like a burden, ask the direct question. In a text, you can write it just as you would say it: Are you thinking about suicide?

Seeing those words on a screen can feel stark. Send them anyway. Asking does not plant the idea. It tells her you are taking her seriously and that she can be honest with you.

If her answer worries you and you are able to, it is a good idea to call her or go to her in person. Voice and presence carry care in a way text cannot. You might write, Can I call you right now? If she prefers to keep texting, respect that and keep going.

Listening on a small screen

Texting makes it easy to fire off advice or links. Try to slow down and listen instead.

  • Reply to what she actually wrote, not to what you fear.
  • Reflect back her words: That sounds so exhausting.
  • Do not change the subject with a joke or a meme.
  • Do not disappear in the middle of the conversation. If you need to step away, say when you will be back.
  • Avoid pep talk lines like just think positive.

If she tells you she is in immediate danger, or you believe she is, call 911. If she is far away, you can call 911 and ask for help in her area. Try to keep texting her while help is on the way.

If the danger is not immediate, help her reach support. She can call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time. Some people find texting 988 easier than calling. You might write, Would you be willing to text 988 right now? I will stay here with you while you do.

You can also encourage her to see her doctor. Offer to help her find the number, make the appointment or go along.

Follow up, and take a breath yourself

After a hard conversation, send a message the next morning. Something as simple as Thinking of you today lets her know the door is still open. Check whether she was able to reach out for help. Keep sending small signs that you are there, even if she does not always answer.

Texting about something so serious can be draining. You may find yourself checking your phone constantly or jumping every time it buzzes. Try to set the phone down when you can. Share the worry with someone you trust. Talk to your own doctor or a counselor, and know that you can call or text 988 for yourself, too, for help supporting someone you love.

A single text can be the start of something important. Keep it simple, ask the real question and stay on the line.

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time. In an emergency, call 911.