Moving a Parent Into Memory Care and Living With the Guilt

Daughters who move a parent into memory care or a nursing home often carry heavy guilt afterward. For some, it becomes depression that needs care.

Many daughters say the drive home was the worst part. They had toured facilities, filled out forms, packed favorite sweaters and family photos, and stayed through the first meal. Then they had to leave their mother or father in a new room and go back to a house that suddenly felt very quiet.

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, available 24 hours a day. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.

For women in their forties and early fifties, the decision to move a parent into memory care, assisted living or a nursing home often comes after years of caregiving at home. It may have been the only safe choice. Doctors may have recommended it. And still, the guilt can feel enormous.

Why the guilt is so heavy

Some women made a promise long ago that they would never put Mom in a home. Some faced pushback from siblings or relatives who were not doing the daily care. Some have a parent who asks every visit when they are going home, or who is angry and confused in the new setting.

Visits can bring their own pain. A parent may not recognize her. Staff may do things differently than she would. She may leave each time feeling both relieved and ashamed of that relief. The routine that once organized her days is gone, and in its place is a question she cannot stop asking: did I do the right thing?

That guilt, mixed with grief and exhaustion, can grow into depression, especially for a woman also coping with perimenopause, work stress or a family that does not understand. Some women reach a point of hopelessness and have thoughts of suicide. That is a signal to reach out, and it is never something to face alone.

Warning signs after a move into care

She says she has ruined everything, or that she does not deserve to be happy.
She talks about being a burden or a bad daughter, over and over.
She has stopped seeing friends or doing anything beyond visits and work.
She seems hopeless, or says she cannot see the point anymore.
Her sleep, eating or drinking has changed, or she seems oddly calm after a dark stretch.

On a hard day after a visit, someone close to her can ask, simply and calmly, whether she has been thinking about suicide. People often fear the question makes things worse. It does not. It gives her permission to say what the guilt has been covering up.

Finding a way through the guilt

Choosing safe, round-the-clock care for a parent who needs it is an act of love, not abandonment. Friends and siblings can say that out loud.

She is still her parent's daughter and advocate. Many women find meaning in becoming the person who visits for the good parts: music, hand lotion, old photos, a favorite treat.

Many facilities offer family support meetings. Talking to others who made the same choice can ease the shame.

A doctor or counselor can help untangle grief, guilt and depression. Treatment helps, and many caregivers find their footing again after this transition.

If she is having a hard time, it is reasonable for family to make sure medications and firearms at home are stored safely for a while.

When guilt and grief turn into lasting depression

If her depression has not lifted with earlier treatment, or it includes thoughts of suicide, a clinician may talk about Spravato. Spravato (esketamine) is a nasal spray the FDA has approved, taken along with an oral antidepressant, to treat depressive symptoms in adults with major depressive disorder who have acute suicidal thoughts or behavior. It is also approved for treatment-resistant depression. It is not a crisis treatment: it does not replace emergency care or a hospital stay when one is needed, and it has not been shown to prevent suicide or to reduce suicidal thoughts or behavior. It is given only in a certified clinic under a safety program called the Spravato REMS. The patient takes it there under supervision, stays at least two hours to be monitored, and does not drive until the next day after a full night of sleep. It is never dispensed for home use. Whether it fits is a clinician's decision after an evaluation.

If you moved a parent into care and have not felt like yourself since, it can help to talk with someone. Many clinics that offer this treatment start with a free consultation, where you can ask whether an evaluation makes sense for you. You can bring a sibling, your partner or a close friend with you.